Q of the Week : How would you rate your marriage? (by Heather S.)

My husband recently asked me how I would rate our marriage.  I didn’t have to think that hard and gave it a solid “7”.  He agreed.

There was a time when we would have agreed on a 9 (before children), and a time we were around a 2 (both times when our children were under 6 months old and we were walking zombies).

Currently, we are doing well, no amazing fireworks and no hostility…just riding the waves.  We began to brainstorm together how we could raise our ranking up a few notches.  To maintain a 10 with two small children is a bit unrealistic to me, but I could see striving for an 8 or even back up to a 9.  We asked the each other how we could improve.  It was easy to describe what we each needed more of.  For the last 10 years the answer is always the same. 

He needs more sex and I need more of an emotional connection.

For him, sex is his emotional connection.  For me, I feel connected with eye contact, talking and feeling heard.   I can’t get in the mood if I don’t feel connected, and he can’t feel connected (listen to me) if he doesn’t have the sex.  It is a pattern.  A pattern that is so difficult to jump out of, particularly because we both fall into bed completely exhausted every single night.

I am too tired for sex and he is too tired to talk.  So most nights we do neither.

We know this is not an unusual pattern for a couple with two small kids.  However, we fear if we continue this pattern year after year, the drifting will continue until there is a great divide.  I listen to the stories of empty nesters who wake up one morning and don’t even know the person with whom they’re living.  I don’t want to be that couple.  I want to be an 8 or 9 … and a 10 when our kids are grown.  But it takes some a lot of work to get there.  Little makes me tear up faster then seeing an older couple holding hands, looking each other in the eye and still enjoying each other.  I want to be that couple.

Thankfully, we are both committed to working on our relationship so we don’t become merely parenting partners living in the same house.  Neither of us are going anywhere.  We are in this for the long haul come 1, 3 or 10.  But wouldn’t it be so much more fulfilling if we could be more connected, have more sex and be in tune with each other despite being so damn tired???

What about you?  What would you rate your relationship?

What do you need more of?  Less of?  What about your partner?

Let the love rock on,

Heather

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Heather is a life coach for moms, a middle school counselor and a mama who is committed to rocking her mojo! She has two extremely “spirited,” independent and strong-willed children who test her, teach her and exhaust her…several times a day!  You can read more about her at My Mama Mojo.

Comments

[karen]

This is such a helpful way to opening up to your partner as to how to improve your marriage by asking the hard question.

Really great post.

Thanks.

[henrynumber3engine]

You have expressed our situation exactly. I understand exactly where you both are.

My husband needs me to greet him positively when he walks through the door after a day at work so I am trying not to offload the woes of my day on him as he crosses the threshold. Instead I am trying to smile, say hello and to give him a hug. We don't hug enough and really feel the benefits when we do.
He is trying to wipe up his coffee dregs before he goes to work and to pick his towel up after his shower - such little things but they niggle with me all day.

I don't know the solution to the tiredness/sex/connectedness thing but I can completely relate to it. I suppose sex is low on my priority list and high on his. But even when we have kid free time together sex sometimes seems like too much effort to me and sleep is my priority. It is quite hard to admit that and I don't know how to go about changing my mindset.

Thanks for your post - it has got me thinking.

[My Mama Mojo]

Thank you both for reading and leaving your comments. This certainly is a common issue among couples with kids. I have been thinking about it so much that I was actually coached on it last night. My coach gave me an assignment to brainstorm all the things I liked doing with my husband along with what first attracted me to him PRE CHILDREN. I haven't sat down to do it formally just yet, but what I have been thinking about, we never do anymore. I just want to bring back a little fun and playfulness in our relationship. I am going to ask him to complete the same assignment and see what we both come up with. Hopefully from the list we can agree to spice it up a bit :)
Would you like to try the challenge too?
Heather

[sanemom]

Heather ... so with you on this one!! Sleep trumps sex far too often. We've got a pretty stressful couple of months coming up, and this reminds me to really make date nights a priority despite feeling like we can't afford the time ... even mini dates. I'll think about what we used to do together, it's hard to even remember!

[Darah Zeledon]

Heather, I just addressed this issue on my comment under Question of the Week. My husband basically DEMANDED I leave on a 9 day "sabbatical" piggy-backing on my mother and stepfather's vacation here in Vail, Colorado sleeping on their sleeper-sofa to catch up on about 5 years lack of sleep, personal space, and privacy. In fact, I am actually reading a book! My husband was so tired of hearing me (rightfully) complain about being overstressed with taking care of the 5 kids while he was away for a month! When he returned, he (almost) threatened me to take advantage of it all and return renewed, refreshed and POSITIVE about our lives. Then, and under those circumstances will my LOST libido return which really has been his MAIN complaint. As far as asking him to rate our marriage, I'm afraid to right now. Perhaps after our first tumble under the sheets- the TRUTH right now would be too much for my fragile state of mind to handle! Also, I do believe that men, in general, (unless they sit on the other side of the fence,) cannot get too real and emotional in talking with their partners- their egos don't allow them to face many realities and may provoke too much of their own insecurities. At least that is my experience and I'd rather save the really heavy complaining about how freaking overburdened I am to share with my best girlfriends. Men and women are just wired differently.