Vulnerability : The Art of Getting Real
Monday, August 2, 2010 at 07:54PM 
I’m an expert at hiding how I feel. It comes naturally to me, and I honed the art to virtual perfection well into my 30’s. It wasn’t until I had kids that I lost some of my skills, and came to realize how utterly poisonous a habit I’d been cultivating. The slipping of my masks caused me some panic, as I thought the world would come crashing down around me if I cried in public, showed anger, or expressed fears. Just a tad messed up I’m afraid! Having kids ripped me open emotionally (not to mention physically) and I’ve done my best to keep my heart open so I can begin to relate honestly to the people around me. I’m learning to be vulnerable.
We’re born completely and utterly vulnerable, and we spend a lifetime paring that river of possible hurts and joys down to a manageable stream or trickle. We learn to guard our hearts, cushioning them from potential pains. We find our emotional risk-tolerance by trial and error. Some of us shut down early, getting hurt and peering at the world through a peephole in our armor. Others seem to careen through life with everything hanging out for all the world to comment on. Being vulnerable IS risky, it means we have every chance of being misunderstood, mocked, or messed with. It also means though that we have every opportunity to be seen, heard, understood, and loved. We’re actually visible, real, and open for contact: deliciously human.
I had a particularly rough month earlier this year, where my emotions were all over the place, and I was utterly incapable of stuffing them back in. During one long talk with a girlfriend who was also feeling extremely vulnerable, we wryly dubbed each other the Sashimi Sisters thanks to our mutually raw feelings. It helped me feel known, and a lot less alone in my angst. I’ve mused many times that marriage has deepened my capacity for both loneliness and joy, and having kids has made that spread even wider. The more emotionally engaged I am, the further the pendulum swings.
We all crave being known, and being loved. The easier we make it for others to know us, the more chances we have to find kindred spirits, as my childhood heroine Anne
Reader Comments (6)
I would imagine this blog was quite challenging to write then! You couldn't be more out there and transparent now :) Good for you!!!! This is the most beautifully written blog of yours I have ever read. It is my new favorite.
Thanks My Mama Mojo!
Thanks for this one. It's hard work to undo the habit of tucking feelings away and being "okay" for the rest of the world. I often expect myself to jump to the end of the process (of dealing with pain or hurt) and already be in possession of the wisdom and compassion I think should result. Like I can think my way there, rather than have to feel and deal with all that mess. But I can't, I just wind myself tighter with my expectations until I can hardly walk at all...so cheers to letting go and wobbling out on my emotional sea legs.
Oh, this is wonderful! I've really been craving this too. You said it well - "I’ve mused many times that marriage has deepened my capacity for both loneliness and joy, and having kids has made that spread even wider." I just came home from a group that's been meeting this summer for that very reason... to close the gap and get real. And it brings my heart to life again! Then I saw this post in your newsletter and thought, "kindred spirit!" Especially with the reference to Anne ;)
Thanks for your honesty and courage here. Praying for lots of sweet and wonderfully full friendship moments for us all in the coming months!
-Laurie
Su : "I often expect myself to jump to the end of the process (of dealing with pain or hurt) and already be in possession of the wisdom and compassion I think should result." Soooo true! And unrealistic expectations? Part of my daily checklist :). I hear ya.
Laurie : So glad to share that with you and sounds like a great group! As for Anne? I wanted for years upon years to change the spelling of my middle name (Ann) to match hers ;). Prayers appreciated and joined!
Well-written blog....I, as well, relate to your statement of "...marriage has deepened my capacity for both loneliness and joy..." and motherhood has brought other elements of emotion to my life that otherwise would have gone completely unnoticed...most especially my appreciation for my own parents. This doesn't mean I parent my child in the same manner, just that I so appreciate the time and energy my parents invested in me. They are also still engaged in me, my husband, and our daughter. Who knows how our relationships will develop but it's a journey not a destination. My daughter will have her own path and I am simply one of her designated teachers for a period of time. I give her some simple values and concepts and she teaches me patience and great love. Did I say patience? Parenthood is not for sissies. It is extremely challenging and I have eaten my words many times when I used to make fun of "those stay-at-home moms"....I actually couldn't do it and had to return to work just "for a break"...yes I admit it. I work to have a break from being at home because running a home is much harder. I have to hand it to stay-at-home moms and Good Lord - how on earth does a woman homeschool? You moms are amazing! I hope mothers can stick together and support each other regardless of our decisions. I love my daughter more than anyone or anything but I also love my career need that outlet for myself. There is room for all types of mommies in the world:) Moms rock the world!