Handling Criticism: How Thick is Your Skin?
Tuesday, July 21, 2009 at 12:09AM Handling Criticism: How Thick is Your Skin?
I had the experience a few weeks ago of having someone decide to tell me a pile of things they thought I needed to hear, none of which were complementary or pleasant. I took it all in, asked for details, and fell apart a few times. It hurt. A lot. I trusted the source of the comments to tell me the truth, though I knew there was some exaggeration involved. I couldn’t throw everything out as being irrelevant, despite the method of delivery. I was raised to speak the truth, in love, and while this exchange was short on love, I didn’t want to miss the truth part.
After some further conversations, venting a bit, and getting some feedback from others, I came to the conclusion that there was some truth to be sifted out, and a lot of crap to leave behind. That applies to a lot of things, doesn’t it?! My years of ‘crits’ in art school showed me many ways to offer feedback on someone’s work, some without the implied negativity of criticism. While I was always wincing inside when my work was being discussed, I learned to sift out the helpful bits, and thicken my skin to the harsh ones. Being a good critic always involves wisdom, discernment, and love.
So how should we handle criticism when it’s offered, or when it’s slung underhandedly? Consider the source. Then listen to the message. Keep the truth and discard the rest. The motivation of the source is a huge factor, as is their courtesy in asking before offering. Always ask before giving a critique or feedback! The value in critiques comes from different perspectives, giving us something new to chew on. It can be bitter. Mine was, but it spurred a few conversations and realizations that have been really helpful. Truth often hurts, and that’s usually how I recognize it. Ever hear something for the first time and immediately have that thunk in your heart of something locking into place? There’s joy in it.
The thicker your skin, the more truth you’ll find. Criticism hurts, and much of it’s worthless, but thick skin will help you find the nuggets. And when you have something to share? Ask permission, and don’t forget the love.
Reader Comments (3)
How thick is your skin ....
I find people often avoid communicating anything unless it is positive--but eventually
when people don't talk it builds up and comes boiling over and out in a less than positive way.
Sometimes, with friends it can work more with a bit more grace, but not always. Recently I communicated to a friend how I was feeling about their behavior towards the friendship and as kindly as I new how let the person know, I was not happy. It was responded with thoughtfulness to my comments. I do feel although I opened the door, the person did not honestly step through it and speak honestly to me about how they were feeling. As time has passed I feel we are slowly drifting apart because of it.
Why? Who knows, But why not just "..take some space for a while."
My friend and I have very different lives, but not so different as individuals! Maybe it is just a matter of recognizing when the relationship is not growing and just taking some space from one another. I just think it would be easier if both friends acknowledge each other and move on separately for a while before criticism comes boiling over. Unless honest communication is ahead.
Until then ....keep Cool and it won't hurt so much when it comes . . . !
Just as a side note...I HATE it when people tell me, "I'm just being honest" after saying something awful. I think that people use "honesty" as an excuse to say things that don't need to be said, sometimes. If there really is something negative that needs to be said, there is always a way to do it with compassion...which really means you allow the other person to keep their pride. If someone doesn't care enough about you to do that, I might not care what they have to say. And if the DO care and just don't know how, I'd have to end our conversation with, "Yeah, I am really bad at ________, but you, my friend, are awful at communicating."
Nice but i think something is missing.