Please share!

I’ve always been shy. I much prefer to respond to a question than initiate a conversation, and watch rather than speak. While I love to talk, the beginning few sentences are the hardest ones. This means I’m much like a stereotypical dating male, looking for a good “pickup” line.

With the arrival of Douglas, my search was suddenly over. Strangers approached me to comment endlessly on his cuteness, and I only had to respond. The language of motherhood became familiar. Telepathic empathy, gratuitous advice, shared pain. The label of MOM was permanently applied to my forehead.

An outgoing baby from day one, Douglas showed not one ounce of shyness. His first word was “Hi!”, and was repeated endlessly in response to any voice within earshot, no matter who the speaker was actually addressing. He’ll talk to anyone, and at five shows no signs of slowing down.

I have him to thank for finding my own voice. The one that can start conversations, not just join them. He showed me that it just takes a word, not a “pickup line,” and that most everyone wants to respond. It’s not just my mothering voice either, but the one that lets me express my feelings and opinions more openly. I’m tougher and more tender, more connected and more alone, and more sure of myself yet overwhelmed than I’ve ever been. I’m a Mom.

I have all these fears now... Like fear to die and not be there for my daughter, for her to know how much I love her and how special she is. Fear to get really sick and not being able to take care of her, fear to get divorced or away from my husband and that she will never get to really know him and the wonderful person he is. Fear, fear, fear. I have always taken risks and eventhough I am pretty layback with her, everytime she has a fever or is sick, I have to cry because I am afraid that she is very sick.

Motherhood has made me view my relationship with my own mother in an entirely new way. I have always respected my mom, but I have always needed space between us because I always thought she smothered me. Ever since my daughter came along I have learned that smothering is part of the motherhood right! There is no limit to loving your child, to wanting to be involved of every aspect of their lives, to feeling the need to protect them from any harm, to making sure they are always secure. Motherhood has made me a better daughter and I aspire to be be as wonderful of a mother as my own mom is.

I have to agree with Gigi - fear fear fear. I remember life before baby when I "worried" about things, but now all that fear seems to sit right there tied into all that overwhelming love. What used to be a passing thought can now become a totally consuming almost panic. And God knows they give us enough things to be afraid of on TV with all the recalls and safety tips and stories about parents who mess up, without our own imaginations getting involved! My biggest fear lately seems to be what if something happened to both her father and me, and my little girl got thrown into "the system"? Or, like Gigi, what if something happened to just one of us - would she ever know how much we love her? She's so young - would she remember?

I definitely remember my husband and I crying together in bed one morning shortly after giving birth to Anna-Rose. It hit us both at the same time-we are parents, we have a huge responsibility and we cannot go back and we love this creature more than words. SCARY!
The parent thing, interestingly, has motivated me to reach out and do what I am best at in other areas of my life besides parenting. It has focussed me and made me more aware of my skills and passions and it has given me a sense of urgency to live true to them both. Time is invaluable so I tend to grasp it and use it with a passion that I never did before. So yes for me too it's been scary but very clarifying and motivating as well. Living is like planting a forest for your kids. It remains long after you are gone.

In all of my fears, I have tried to control so many things myself. It is setting me free as I continue to grasp the truth that God is in control, so all I need to do is trust and thank Him. Now that I keep my mouth shut and pray, I am seeing God work incredible miracles in my children (as well as every other area of my life), that I would have never thought possible.