Appreciation and Motherhood
Monday, March 22, 2010 at 04:09PM I’m not sure this will end up in a question, but it’s on my mind. I’ve been thinking a lot about appreciation and mothering lately. I’m not talking about the side where I appreciate things … I know I see the short end of the stick sometimes, and fail to fully appreciate the amazing kids I have, the chances I’ve been given, and more. However, that all falls under gratitude to me. I’m not sure of the actual distinction, but my mind makes one. I think appreciation means understanding something, and enjoying it for what it is.
I know my husband appreciates my parenting, and he does verbalize it sometimes. I appreciate that :). However I think a part of me expects my kids to appreciate some of the things I do for them, and that’s just plain a misplaced expectation. They don’t see or appreciate my point of view at all, and it’s not fair to expect them to. I’m going through a tough phase with my newly-minted 8-year-old, which hasn’t been made any easier by all the recent changes. He’s home every day, we went away without his dad for 10 days, and now his dad has been gone for another 5 days. I know all that is upsetting, and we both are slowly finding our new routines. It’s a lot of trial and error, and that produces testing and craziness on his part, and a lack of patience on mine.
I think part of it is I’m in-between support structures, and so feel rather left in the dark as well as under-appreciated. Perhaps I need to go find my whining rock?! (My in-laws used that with their kids to great effect I think, and I rather wish I had one to go climb on once in awhile!) Despite all the resources, friends, ideas, and camraderie amongst moms, motherhood is still a very individual and lonely experience. It’s just me and my kids most of the time, and I find myself expecting some adult-like reactions from them. Appreciation is just one of those things.
I do think it’s a bit deluded to go around expecting to be appreciated for a role I fill in a relationship. It’s the “this is a job” part of me that wants to be appreciated. If I were truly filling and enjoying the role of mother, the need for that should disappear. Hmm. Attitude adjustment needed? Perhaps. Any reactions or thoughts appreciated!
A - Accept Your Life | tagged appreciation, relationship
Reader Comments (6)
You know, I don't think it is a misplaced thought that you want to be appreciated for your role as a mother. However, I having 4 teenagers, totally understand your point of view. I have one child who tells me all the time how much he loves me and thank you for something when I do it. The other three, well.....! Hoping they are blessed with 4 just like them. :)
Yes, I totally understand your thoughts. When I "converted" rather abruptly from a paid role to an unpaid role....I realized I had underestimated the little "atta-girls" and "kudos" I had received at work and prior to that.. in school. Being a parent and also a wife can often feel unappreciated if not unnoticed. What has helped me in this area (always a work in progress of course) has been sharing my feelings with other mothers and reminding myself that my kid only has one childhood. I can't rewind the clock. I do think I spend too much time on the computer and have to remind myself to "leave work at work" (since I now work part-time) and just give myself the positive feedback I may feel I "deserve" from others. I also am trying to get better at "giving" appreciation to others and lowering my expectations from others. Motherhood is by far the hardest job I have ever had and I am often amazed at how incredible & happy my kid is since I tend to notice my parenting mistakes more than my successes! Kids are pretty resilient and I have to remind myself to take a deep breath and just give lots of love--to my daughter, to myself, and to other mommies out there doing their best too.
oh....just one more thing......YOU ARE NOT ALONE:) Motherhood does feel lonely at times but I think websites like yours help combat that so much! THANK YOU for a great forum for discussion of really relevant issues and ideas. No Mommy's Perfect.
Every person should learn, from the earliest possible age, to appreciate what others do for them--so it is not only not wrong for you and any mother to receive appreciation from her children for "doing her job", I think it is necessary to teach them to appreciate what you do, and to appreciate what their teachers do, and what the store clerk does, etc. And there is no age at which to learn values... the good thing is that this is something learned by example, so perhaps everybody in the household will have to express their appreciation more for things that get done by somebody, without enough appreciation and thankfulness and joy.
Thanks all for the thoughts, appreciated! :)
I think it is very important to be appreciated. While I understand that little kids may not really understand how much their mothers do for them, it is more disconcerting that the older kids do not get it either. My daughter now has children, and is starting to see it (whew!)
I think that, bottom line, it has to come from within ourselves. I can look back and see all the mistakes I made, or see how good my kids have turned out. The voices in my head are what makes me feel good or not so good. That to me is the challenge.
Thanks for your newletters - i always enjoy reading them.