Q of the Week : Handling Competitive Motherhood?
Monday, February 22, 2010 at 01:55PM 
Today is the first day of homeschooling, and I’m fighting myself to take it easy. To not overwhelm, or copy what my friends do, or even do much. Just settle into a new routine, slowly, and keep it from being too much of a routine, which I don’t think is for us. It’s rather overwhelming, and I didn’t sleep too well last night.
Over the last week, I’ve gotten a lot of supportive comments and calls and questions about how it’s going. Asking how we’re going to do it, and lots of resource recommendations. It’s all helpful, but I have to make myself file it away for when I’m ready for it, rather than dive into right now and add to my overwhelm. I need to do this gradually.
I’m jumping into a whole new pool of mothers, the homeschooling ones, and I’m struck with how much I feel like I have to do this new job well, because everyone is watching. It’s not a good reason, but the feeling is there just the same. Feeling eyes on me at the park, wondering why my son is there and not in school. Feeling like I have to explain (but I don’t). Feeling like I have to prove that he’s visibly (to them) learning. This is just a whole other layer to the good-mother complex. Argh! It was complicated enough! I already parent in front of an audience almost 24x7, thanks to housemates, and it does get to me, this feeling of being watched and often judged.
Motherhood is NOT a competition, but it’s hard at times to erase that from our psyches and actions. We see another mom doing something we wish we were, or handling something better, and we feel like we’re behind somehow, or less of a mom. We compare ourselves … we do! Some more than others perhaps, but it’s in there somewhere. I’m realizing that this new venture is going to put even more of a screw into my naturally competitive nature, and I’m hoping that identifying it will help a wee bit in keeping it in check. I’m so sensitive about how I’m perceived as a mom, it’s hard to be immune to caring about it. When starting something new, and somewhat against the norm, it’s even harder!
It is what it is however … it’s my chosen road, and I will do my best. So-so life the norm rather than the exception? So be it! And if it doesn’t work, may I have the grace to go back to public school with a smile and a shrug.
So how do you handle competitive feelings as a mom? Or just fess up and admit you have them sometimes! I’d feel better if you did :). Do tell …
Reader Comments (8)
I love this article! In fact, on my site I wrote "Motherhood is NOT a competitive sport" Now that my daughter is older (she is all of 5 years old) I am more relaxed but it was hard when she was little....I seemed to compare myself more to other moms. I try to take things in stride now and I have much more compassion for moms. I think the compassion started early on when I realized how hard it was to be a mommy:) Thanks for the article.
Sure, I feel competition between me and other moms and I am not someone who thrives on competition. This is an awkward feeling because it feels like there is a great big trap out there with the words: "Mom who did not do it right" written on the side that a lot of us get stuck in. Anyone who has more than one kid knows that not all kids are as easy to raise as other kids and so the playing field (God forbid we are on the field) isn't really level. Some mom's deal with autism, others with allergies or diseases in their kids, others with very 'spirited' kids. All of these labels tell us that there is an ideal and ours is different. I have never once met an ideal child nor person for that matter, so frankly, competing makes little sense. There are no rules and there is no prize at the end. We are all in a different situation with different goals. I think we need to stop looking at others for affirmation or devastation.
Being a mom is not a job nor is it something we suceed at. It is like the law of Moses, it is there to show us we don't measure up and that there is a better way. The way of love, forgiveness and tolerance both for ourselves, our kids and others. I am sick of living in a world where we forget how to be human and latch on to intelligence, money, attractiveness, power as if those are the highest pursuits of human beings.
I am much happier on the days that I abandon the comparisons and dig into who I am on the deepest level and then make my decisions from that space. We have been distracted for too long by materialism and superficial pursuits that make us less human. Our lives are stories and the stories we write are much more interesting when we create characters not pin ups.
So moms take courage and dig deep and your kids may follow. The world needs more humans in it, desperately.
I have some exciting news for you!!!! This to shall pass. I was right where you are 2 years ago. I grew up a Southern debutante where there were certain expectations of how you look, how you act, where you went to school, what activities to be involved in and on and on. Then, we decided to homeschool and you would have htought I started a militia! All eyes were on us and asking us what we do all day, how do I know that my kid is doing what the public school kids are doing, do we get dressed every morning?
You will get through the newness, find your groove and it will be great. Don't listen to the naysayers or the ones that want to stereotype you. Know that you are doing what is right for your family in this time in your lives and be confident in that fact.
Hop over to my blog, I blog homeschooling frequently.
Good luck!
The Park Wife
www.theparkwife.blogspot.com
....do you care when your bare-foot in an urban enviroment or
when your in the MET and your in foot less shoes and it is 25 degrees out?
so why worry about what people think of the decision to homeschool? COOL
Take pride B...this is YOUR decision! A great decision...and you made it because your listened to your core, you did what felt right and you listened to your inner voice! How many other mothers would do that? From my experience, more would make two dozen phone calls and get a consenses--and go with the popular vote.
What is a good mother? One who thinks, listens, cares and makes decisions based on the root of that consideration. I don't think this is compeditive your feeling is the fear of having made the wrong decision--- you have not.
High RIsk= High Reward ... and if you don't try, you would have asked yourself
should I have. Creativity is in the chances we take isn't it?
Dare Greatly and be brave...let the rest of the world be jealous luv!
XO
Bethany— we ALL have those competitive feelings! I think you'd have to be a mom with a lobotomy not to! We're all so desperate to know that we're making the right decisions, and we all feel like we're under a microscope all the time, whether we're homeschooling or not.
My son goes to a very progressive school, where they don't do tests and don't have homework or textbooks. So, I can totally relate to that feeling of needing to prove to the other moms that he's learning something. But ultimately, there is no one right way to do this thing (of course you know that!) and good for you for not only making these tough choices, but having the awareness to keep your perfectionism in check.
Add me to the pile of people who want to hear how it's going!
Carley Knobloch
http://www.mothercraftcoaching.com
Thanks all, appreciate the responses! @susan, do you have any shirts for sale with that on it?! would be good :). @theparkwife, This too shall pass is one of my favorite sayings, and a good reminder! I've got you bookmarked too. And @webber, thx for the "it's not something we succeed at" reminder. @sjh, yes, fear is a big part of it. fear of doing emotional damage more than anything! @carley, thanks for the encouragement!
It really is funny sometimes when you see what other people worry about and compare it to what you think they worry about. I am on the opposite end - having given up my high-speed career last spring, I am still struggling with the fact that I do not always love being a SAHM, that some days I can't stand the thought of staying home alone with them, that Sunday afternoons are hard and Monday mornings have become one of my favorite times, and most of all, am I a bad person because we are lucky enough to still be able to afford daycare for most of the week so I actually get free time? Shouldn't I WANT to stay home with my kids all the time and is it wrong to send them off to daycare so someone else can influence them when I don't have to? Is it bad that I can't even remotely imagine being able to homeschool? After 6 days in a row with all three at home because of the snow storms, I was really ready to lose it. My husband teased me that I couldn't stand my own kids for 6 days, and I broke down in huge tears. He was stunned - he actually thought I was doing a great job and had no idea the guilt I was feeling. These days I find myself trying extra hard to smile at other parents - the ones screaming as their child takes off in the other direction, the ones with that exasperated look because their child can't possibly go any SLOWER... The ones that are going through exactly what I am, and look like they are feeling as bad as me sometimes. I try to give them a warm greeting so they know they're not alone - and neither am I, and neither are you. I say bravo to you for making this leap of faith and for giving your son what he needs. It's not about being mainstream or being perfect. It's just about being a mom and loving them, which is really all we can do.
thanks karin, wise words, and kind ones too :)