Do tell!

I was afraid I couldn't handle it. That my baby would cry nonstop and I'd not have the patience to deal with it. That I'd appear incompetent. That I *would* be incompetent! That I'd drop the kid, or hurt him in some way. That I'd be labeled a mom and nothing else. That I'd lose my identity. That I'd feel dumb pushing a stroller down the street. That I'd lose my ability to offer opinions and insights in business, and be respected for it. Those are just a few ...

I feared loosing intimacy with my husband... My mother had become a super-mom but neglected life as a wife. Never went out with my dad, they never traveled together, never had a life of their own. Never had a life together apart from us... I also feared I'd be away from the business environment and never been able to return to a decent job. I was afraid of becoming one of those moms that just talk about diapers and have nothing else in their brains to talk about....

That was a long time ago, over 16 years for my last pregnancy. I do remember one fear that I struggled off and on with during both pregnancies. That was that I would have a mentally and/or physically handicapped child. When I shared my fear with my sister she felt the opposite. She said she'd consider it a privilege to have a special needs child. That made me look at the possibility from a different perspective. In the end, both of our children were born as normal as normal can be. I know that I was not living in the truth of God's perfect love, because 1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." Knowing God is all about what is best for me eclipses everything else.

I feared that I would not be as good a Mum as I wanted to be. And my worst fear has come true!! I find myself second-guessing, learning on the run and far from the mark of "well-balanced, nothing-makes-me-sweat Mum" that I would have liked. Being a parent is the exam that you can't swat for, and the skill that you can't practice for (before you have kids, that is). Every time you get good at a skill it becomes outdated because the kid gets older and you need a whole new set of skills. However, it turns out that motherhood is the perfect cure for the festering infection I call "perfectionism". It doesn't make me any less afraid of not living up to my own standards, however. Not being a great Mum, is still my greatest fear. It's not a morbid fear, however, actually having the kids I feel that they are more forgiving than I ever would have imagined.

I was really afraid that I would not be able to overcome and change some dyfunctional aspects of my early childhood family atmosphere!! Would I do the same things my parents did, that they really shouldn't have? That fear almost cost me the most joyful experience of my life, in having a child of my own. I was too afraid of the responsibility of screwing up a child! Thankfully I realized after giving birth, that you have a chance with each and every interaction to make a positive or negative choice in how to handle a situation. It's not a one-time deal. I do have to be alert at all times to check how I am reacting, to make sure I respond to my son in a loving and rational manner. Thankfully, the unconditional love I have for him overrules the way I was taught. I see some people, despite their good intentions, cannot break with how they were brought up. Whew..I am lucky to have the desire to break the chain. I don't spank or yell or get abusive. It has now become a habit to sit down and discuss what is wrong. (yes, even with a 4 year old having a tantrum on the floor of the grocery store!!) In fact, that's one of the best times because the feelings are all right there, out in the open. That never would have happened in of my family. It would have been the belt for us, which was not that uncommon 35 years ago. I am proud that I have (so far!) taught my son to be kind to others and in the never-ending process, helping him to understand the difference between good behavior and inappropriate behavior....NEVER a "bad" boy. That was my biggest fear, and it still is. I guess all Moms share the same fear....they want to raise their children to honest, responsible people, and we are their role models. It's an awesome responsibility, but thankfully, it is a very rewarding one...especially when they look up in your face and say "Mommy, I love you and I am going to marry you someday". Obviously he is not at the "birds and bees" stage yet! Thanks for hearing my fear!

Similar to most of the previous posts I was afraid and still am of not being good enough as a mom. Good enough for me is often akin to perfection which is a ridiculous standard. How happy would my daughter be if I was perfect-where is the character in that? But alas, I still think this way A LOT. I am afraid when I am frustrated or unhappy that it is hurting her emotionally. I worry A LOT about emotional damage I could be doing to her without being aware of it. I get lots of comments on how delightful she is but I have trouble believing that people aren't just being nice. I guess I can see that my issues as a single person are just mirrored back to me more often as a mom. No where to hide-which is good.

I have to admit along with the usual fears, I had one very weird fear - I was afraid I wouldn't like the way my baby smelled. I didn't have alot of experience with baies or small kids, and I was NEVER one of those women who wanted to hold other people's kids or who thought "baby smell" was nice. For some reason I was so scared that when my own baby came, I still wouldn't like baby smell and I would have to love her despite that... Of course, I shouldn't have worried, because everything about my own baby was amazing and perfect, and instead I found myself ridiculously angry with my father-in-law for bathing himself in polo and then holding her, so on day 3 I had a baby who smelled like polo!

There were/are so many, but my biggest fear was being able be a good mom while still holding a full time job. I was so afraid of not being able to find that work/life balance. Being a great mom, but also being a good project manager. I have learned since then that there really is not science to it ... no guidelines. Every day is what I make of my situation and I am still learning that fine balance between my two worlds. What I do know is that it is possible to be a great mom and a good PM. I focus on my job when I am supposed to and I focus on my daughter when I am supposed to. I try not to let my two worlds overlap.

I was very concerned that I would be too selfish to be a good mom or that my mothering instinct was a little flimsy. It turns out not to be, I am very in love with my little gal. I got pregnant pretty late, 38 years old, after having gone back to college. I was and still am afraid that I will not be able to make anything of my painting degree because I won't find the time to give to paint. I am trying to have a positive outlook, many millions of mothers do all sorts of things including going back to work and continuing with creative endeavors. I hope that I can go back to work soon, my job as a massage therapist is v. flexible so I am lucky, I can do bits and pieces of work. I was very ambivalent about getting pregnant for most of my life because of fears about hormonal depression (isolation too), which I have wrestled with for many years. I was very fortunate & had a great deal of happiness in pregnancy.Post-partum has been smooth, although my daughter is only 7 weeks old. The entire experience has been surprising, eye-opening and is helping me to let go of a lot of negative-anticipation sort of crap.

i was afraid that, because i got pregnant at a time when i was young, alone, and not "ready", that we'd end up being poor forever and that i wouldn't be able to give my daughter all the things i felt she deserved. not STUFF really, but you know...decent clothes that wouldn't get her laughed at and ostracized in school, money for field trips, a home in a safe neighborhood, that sort of thing. actually, i almost gave her up for adoption due to these fears. it was in my final few months of pregnancy that i started having nightmares about the physical and emotional abuse i had survived in my own childhood, and that made me decide to keep her. no matter what, at least i could promise to keep her safe and well-treated within her own home. if i gave her over to someone else, i would never, ever be able to know for sure how she was being treated. that's what made me decide to be her mom instead of giving her to someone else who was better financially prepared.